The Truth About Men
by Relatively Unknown
Summary: Let's see, what do you get when you cross the song "The Truth About Men" with three drunken jounins, a semi-drunk chuunin, a couple of ticked-off girlfriends? Why, a night at the kareoke bar, of course!


A/N: My humor muse came out of nowhere and attacked me today with this song. I just  
could not resist. 

Shiva: Wuss.

CA: Oh you know it! -grin-

Flaitheas: May I inquire as to just _how_ Wacky got her silly-string covered claws into you?

CA: Well... uh... ya see... I was kinda... um... distracted... and she, uh... she, um, she  
managed to catch me in the hall...

Shiva: She was watching her taped previews of _The Chronicles of Riddick_.

Flaitheas: I see. Well, it seems we must all now pay. What is the song?

CA: Um, it's "The Truth About Men" by Tracy Byrd, Blake Shelton, Montgomery  
Gentry, and Steve Warner. I think. Something like that.

Flaitheas: I suppose the show must go on.

CA: And so, on it goes! -drumroll- TA-DA!

****

SANITIZED: LYRICS HAVE BEEN REMOVED. THIS IS THE FFNET APPROVED, SANITARY, MADE-FOR-KIDDIES VERSION. TO VIEW THE ORIGINAL, GO TO MY SITE AND VENTURE UNDER "THE WORKS" AND THE APPROPRIATE SHOW.

* * *

Iruka still wasn't quite sure how it all had happened. Of what he remembered, it seemed  
that either gods were against him that night or it was on those weird little twists of fate  
that left a man wondering just which way was up and if he hadn't had a just a tad too  
much of the liquid courage.

It had started out simply enough. Iruka had decided to take a night off and go down to the  
kareoke bar. This one was designed for adults only, and therefore had a multitude of  
various liquors to be served. He wasn't the drinking type, but the place was notorious for  
knocking its customers dead with a blend of kareoke, sketches, and the regular stand-up  
comedians-- and he was in the mood for some good humor.

Iruka, sadly, had been a well-known bachelor most of his adult life and even back in his  
teenaged years he hadn't dated much. It never used to bother him, not until it seemed  
everyone around him had a girlfriend or fiancée or even a wife. That was one of the  
reason he had come here; he needed some cheering up.

Then, he had noticed _her_. The barmaid from Heaven. He had walked over to order a  
spritzer and about fainted when she turned around. Being the shy type, he had stuttered a  
great deal before managing to make his order. He knew he was blushing as much as  
humanly possible and had no chance of hiding it. She only smiled, gave him his drink,  
and walked away, leaving poor Iruka dumbfounded.

It went downhill from there.

In walks who else but the "jounin parade", as Iruka had dubbed them recently. It was  
Kakashi, Asuma, and Ibiki, along with their girlfriends Anko, Kurenai, and some new  
jounin Iruka could never remember the name of, respectively. He had tried to get away.  
He was even considering Kawarimi no Jutsu. But before he could react, a hand landed on  
his shoulder and looked up into the mostly-hidden face of Kakashi.

"Hey, 'Ruka, didn't know you were into this... stuff," Kakashi said, the ever-present  
drawl in his voice. His visible eye already had a slight more merriment to it than usual,  
and Iruka knew he had already had a drink or two. So had the other guys, apparently.

"I-I-I'm not," he replied, still recovering from his encounter with barmaid.

"Yeah, yeah," Kakashi told him, with a knowing look. "C'mon, why don't you join us?"

"Oh, no, I couldn't intrude--"

"I insist! Hey guys, can 'Ruka join in?"

"Get over here!" Ibiki called.

"Wanna a cigarette?" Asuma asked. He patted his pockets as Kakashi walked Iruka over.  
A concerned expression crossed his features. "Let me rephrase that. You have a  
cigarette?" he asked, hopeful.

"No, I don't-- uh, no, not with me," Iruka said. He had started to say that he didn't smoke,  
but the last time somebody had said that to Asuma they received a very long and very  
strange lecture. He had been there to witness it, and that was horrible enough, as far as  
Iruka was concerned.

"Well, don't just stand there, Dolphin Boy, sit down!" Kakashi said, nearly pushing Iruka  
down into the booth.

Poor Iruka. Poor, poor, Iruka.

* * *

A half hour later, Iruka had been force-fed several drinks, and although light ones (on his  
insistence), they were beginning to get to him. He still managed to notice that he seemed  
to be the unwanted fifth-- or seventh, as the case may be-- wheel. He sighed, why didn't  
he put up a better fight?

The girls seemed to be a little irritated by his presence. At first, he couldn't figure out  
why, it hadn't been _his_ idea to come over. Then it had hit him-- they all were on one large  
date. Iruka may not have dated very much, and was as confounded by women as much as  
the next guy, but even he could tell from the dirty looks himself and the other guys were  
getting that they weren't happy. And from the slight experiences he had had, Iruka knew  
that when a girl ain't happy, ain't _nobody_ happy, especially the guy.

It finally must've hit the breaking point. Despite receiving the dirty looks, Ibiki, Kakashi,  
and Asuma were too drunk to notice and had just continued on with their antics. Iruka  
would've excused himself, however, he was stuck smack-dab in the middle. But it  
must've hit the breaking point, because Ibiki's girlfriend-- Iruka _still_ didn't know her  
name-- announced that she was going to the "powder room". And, surprise, surprise,  
Kurenai and Anko followed her without a word.

"What's their problem?" Asuma said, still on the lookout for a cigarette.

"Who knows," Kakashi replied with a shrug.

"Now there's one mind I can't crack-- a huffy woman!" Ibiki declared, sending his  
companions (even Iruka smiled) into rounds of laughter.

"Actually, I think I might now," Iruka said. All eyes were on him. He cleared his throat.

"What, you mean to tell me that 'Ruka _understands_ women? Call the Hokage, I think a  
miracle just happened! A man _understands_ a woman!" Kakashi teased. "Unless, there's  
something you'd like to tell us...?" Iruka blushed and shook his head vehemently.

"No. And no, I don't understand them any better than you guys do. It's just the looks  
they're giving you are obvious even to me; you're just too drunk to notice," Iruka  
informed them.

"Alright, O-Great-Knower-Of-Women," Ibiki said, making Iruka sweatdrop, "why don't  
you tell us what their problem is?"

"Well... I'm assuming this was supposed to be some kind of mass date, right?" Heads  
nodded. "Well, you know how women are-- they like romantic stuff. Even _I_ know this  
isn't romantic by a long shot. I mean, first you take them to a bar, albeit a nice one, then  
you bring an uninvited friend over to join you without their consent, and on top of it all,  
you get drunk. Let's face it-- they're pissed."

"So what do we do?" Kakashi asked. The merriment was even greater before and Iruka  
idly wondered if he was really as drunk as he appeared to be.

"I guess... show 'em how you feel," he answered. Asuma snapped his fingers.

"I got it. Huddle up," Iruka didn't think he had meant him as well until Kakashi (who was  
next to him) literally dragged him over. "Okay, this is a kareoke bar, right? Well, what  
better than to sing them a song?"

"That's a good idea," Iruka offered. "Which one?"

"_The_ song," Asuma said, giving a meaningful look to Ibiki and Kakashi. They nodded.

"_The_ song?" Iruka questioned.

"That's the one!" Ibiki said. "C'mon fellas, let's get this show on the road!" Iruka felt  
Kakashi grab him by his shirt collar and drag him up out of the booth.

"No, wait, I'm not in on this!" he protested. It fell on deaf ears, and he was forcibly  
dragged towards the stage. He fought, but despite their being drunk, they all now had a  
death grip on him and he knew there wasn't an escape route this time. He sighed, and  
managed a glance over to the bar. She was there, looking straight at him, eyebrow raised.  
_At least if the song's good I might be able to get her phone number or something_, he  
thought.

Iruka didn't pay much attention as the guys spoke with the stage announcer. He did try  
and slip out of his jacket, but they seemed to have expected this. His undershirt was also  
in their vice-like grip and there was no way in hell Iruka would lose both. Not in public,  
not with the girl of his dreams watching, and sure as hell not with the returning girlfriends  
watching.

They all gave him a questioning look. He just sighed and shrugged, showing them that he  
was as clueless as they were, really, and was just getting dragged into it by default.

Literally.

Iruka was forced on stage where the lined up. It seemed Asuma had been elected  
spokesman, since it _was_ his idea. He grabbed the mic (after missing it a few times),  
punched in the song number on the kareoke machine, and announced what they were  
doing while it was finding the song and getting ready.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies," he said with grin. Then, as an afterthought, "And guys." He  
paused and grinned again. "In response to messing up really, really bad tonight with our  
girls... well, mine, Kakashi's, and Ibiki's, actually. Iruka hasn't had a girl, in what, two  
years, it's been?" Iruka was redder than an infuriated Uchiha's eyes. "Yeah, well,  
whatever, some have it, some obviously don't. Anyhow, we're up here to tell our girls the  
truth about our messing up tonight. And that, my friends, is the truth about men!"

All color drained from Iruka's face as he realized just _what_ he had gotten himself into. He  
had thought they were going to make fools of themselves singing a love song. Wrong.  
They were going to make fools of themselves, period. He sighed. He had no chance of  
escaping still, and a snowball's chance in hell with barmaid now. Well, he couldn't get  
away and he was already screwed (and not the fun way) in the relationship department,  
so, he begrudgingly decided, why not?

The music began and, still being the leader, Asuma started off.

_MISSING WORDS_

Everyone joined in for the chorus (yes, including our lil' Dolphin Boy)...

_MISSING WORDS_

The vice like grip gone, now, all four guys had their arms wrapped over each other's  
shoulders. It seemed like a planned thing, but really, they were just trying to keep each  
other from falling flat on their faces.

Kakashi took over for the next verse, managing to sound (almost) not drunk...

_MISSING WORDS_

Iruka would've laughed hysterically if he didn't know it would probably be the signature  
on his death wish. The girls all wore different expressions on their faces. Anko seemed  
slightly amused (note: _slightly_), Kurenai was ticked, and what's-her-name seemed  
shocked. Iruka quickly looked away and down to the little screen in front of him, starting  
the chorus up again.

_MISSING WORDS_

They now were managed some sort of never-practiced and severely out of sync can-can  
dancing, their arms still linked over each other's shoulders. Iruka kept running into  
Kakashi, Ibiki into Asuma, and Asuma into Iruka as Ibiki took up the next verse...

_MISSING WORDS_

Well, it was official. There was going to be three dead jounins and one dead chuunin  
before the night was over, Iruka had no doubt. _Oh well, too late now. Might as well go out  
with a bang. Naruto would be proud of me..._ He seemed to sing even louder as the chorus  
came 'round again.

_MISSING WORDS_

They had finally coordinated their movements at least somewhat passably, only problem  
was all four were now getting a bit dizzy. Still, they belted out the last part of the song  
with as much gusto as they could managed without passing out...

_MISSING WORDS_

Iruka was actually left alone to do the last line. He hadn't known, so he was  
scream-singing as loudly as he had been. His voice echoed off the wall as the music  
ended and silence rang out through the bar. Nervous and about as steady as klutz on a  
high wire, Iruka watched with relief as several guys stood up and started applauding  
loudly. Then they were joined by others, and then those others were joined by others, and  
so on, until almost the entire male population of the bar were on their feet.

Iruka stumbled off stage as the chorus was started up again, this time by the whole bar.  
He managed to make it to the bar itself and sit down. He looked over at the booth where  
he received passing death glares from the girls. Then Kurenai said something and called  
the girls into a huddle. _Uh-oh_, Iruka thought, _I'm definitely staying out that one!_

He heard a throat clear behind him. He turned around and saw it was her-- the barmaid.

"Not bad... for a first-timer," she said, smiling.

"Uh... Uh-huh..." Iruka said in all his macho glory. He was grinnin' like a Cheshire cat  
and he knew it, but for some reason didn't seem to care too much. Ah, the power of liquid  
courage.

"So... another spritzer?" Iruka continued to stare until she quirked an eyebrow at him. He  
blushed yet again, and gave a small nod. He stared at the bartop this time until his glass  
was given to him with a napkin underneath.

Lifting up his drink he saw numbers on the napkin. Correction. Numbers and a _name_.  
Smiling, he folded up the napkin, put it into his vest pocket, and looked up only to find  
her gone. He sighed and looked over to the stage where the chorus was still going, only  
from the floor. The guys had fallen, but were not deterred by their predicament.

Iruka could only imagine what the girls had planned for them. He grinned again, knowing  
that, despite being in the middle of it, he wasn't involved this time.

No, this time, he had his own plans for the evening.

* * *

CA: So, was it funny? Considering it's almost 1 AM, I say it's not bad, myself.

Shiva: -smirk- Not too bad, there, Ace. More storylike than a songfic.

CA: Yeah, I know. I babble. -sweatdrop-

Flaitheas: Not necessarily a bad thing. You can talk yourself out of almost every situation.

CA: True, true...

Flaitheas: However, you do have tendency to go on and on...

CA: -sweatdrop- Oh, shaddup!

Shiva: Speakin' the truth, Ace.

CA: Grr. -ignoring them- Well, folks, you know the drill. Click the pretty purple button,  
type in your opinion (flames fine), and click the pretty purple button in the pop-up box.  
There, now see, it's that hard, now is it? (Go ahead and smack me. I deserve it. -grin-)


End file.
